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Exploring our desires
Dear Creatrix,
How did the exploration of your needs, desires and wishes go?
Did you have a look at your Wheel of Colours and did you answer the questions I gave you in the last lesson?
I’m going to walk you through my Wheel of Colours today, to show you how to use it to get in touch with your desires and needs when it comes to relationships.
After that, I will also give you my answers to the questions, to inspire you to go deep and really find your own answers, so if you haven’t answered them yourself, do it now before you read on, because otherwise you will ruin it for yourself, to get in touch with your unique and innermost feelings, as my answers might influence yours.
I know answering these kinds of questions can be tough, but do it anyway. You don’t have to share it with anyone, just be honest to yourself, because you deserve to actually know yourself. And you might have to first know and accept yourself, before you can love yourself. And trust me that I say there is so much beauty to discover.
You’ve grown up around hurt and traumatized people, who made you feel like they felt themselves, and you, lucky you, can break this circle and create a better life for yourself and those whose life you will touch. It’s amazing, and you are so brave for doing it and for wanting more for yourself. It will only get better from here, even if the road might still be rocky for a while. It just gets better and better.
As I’ve mentioned in the article on How to Manifest YOUR Ideal Relationship, (read it, if you haven’t yet) it can be difficult to imagine something or to ask for something, if we’ve not seen it before.
If we wish for something, especially when it comes to relationships and love, we have to be honest and get in touch with our deepest desires as a first step to feeling met and seen, and to know what it actually is that we are looking for.
And to get there, today, we’ll go deep.
How to use your Wheel of Colours to learn more about your Needs and Desires
As I’ve mentioned in the last lesson, there are certain fields and colours in the Wheel of Colours, which can help us to understand our needs and desires when it comes to romantic relationships, but also relationships with friends and colleagues or family and our needs in general.
I’ll use my own wheel as an example here to show you how you can look at your own, and maybe to guide your partner or a friend through it as well.
The second field
One of these fields is the second field, which shows us what we need to feel supported and to collaborate or be together with other people. The traditional colour for this field is yellow, the colour of emotions and support, so we will also have a look at that colour later, as most of us will have that in a different field
My second field has the colour green, which is the colour for thinking, originating, healing and growing.
I’ll just paste a part of my description here that really resonates:
“If you are interested in a relationship or project, if you think that someone is a good connection for you, or a project will be beneficial to you, then you are committed to it. When other people want something from you that you don’t want, however, you prefer to block it.
A strong will can often be advantageous, even when it comes to making the right contacts in life. Nevertheless, interpersonal relationships should always be based on mutual respect and not on a test of strength to find out who can prevail better.
Y
ou tend to be very focus and committed once you set your mind on something, and you may be certain that you can be right in any argument and win it, which might also be true. But ask yourself what price you pay for it.
Your strong will and creative power, your strong ability to express yourself and focus and commit can cause difficulties in relationships if other people feel ignored or oppressed by you – so learn how to be gentle, quiet and kind as well and allow yourself to hear out all those around you, even the quieter ones.
You’ve probably already noticed that just because you want something, that doesn’t necessarily always mean it’s what’s best for you and everyone else in the situation. Open yourself to other possibilities, listen to others and find the best solutions together.”
So, this is basically my first or default approach to anything in a nutshell. 😉 What I had to learn and what I’m learning is to be more gentle, to get in the flow more, to let things evolve more naturally.
Because always pushing forward and asserting your will also costs a lot of energy. In this field, I do have incredible self-esteem, though. I’m incredibly strong-willed, and this has caused frustration in past relationships, with people who are less decisive. But if we are born a certain way, it can also be very difficult to change.
While decision-making is easy for me, it is incredibly hard for me to wait and be patient and to let things come to me. But I’m practising. I have no trouble pushing forward, assessing a situation, weighing my options and then going for what seems best and giving my everything to get there.
Allowing for things to come to me, seemed like a funny riddle, something so far from everything I’ve ever experienced or that seemed an option to me, that in the beginning I really had no idea how to do it.
But we do not have to know how. We can find out. We do that by simply asking ourselves: How can I be, so that what I desire can come to me? And the answer will surely come.
So, just see how you can use what you have here, and how what you learn about yourself in this field, has caused you problems before, and then see how you can use that to be who you’d like to be. In the articles I wrote about the different colours, you can also learn more about how to heal the shadow sides of each colour.
Photo by Peter Fazekas on Pexels.
The seventh field
Another field that is worth looking at is field number seven, which shows us what we need to feel safe and protected.
I have the colour yellow here.
The colour yellow is interesting to look at for all of us, as it appears in the field in which we need to feel loved and supported, the most.
So for me to feel safe and protected, I, more than most, have to feel loved and supported.
And this really has been my most vulnerable point for the longest time, as I have felt unsafe and unloved for a very long time – not because I was, but because I couldn’t see that I was loved and safe.
Feeling unsafe is definitely my core wound, and it has taken a lot of work to open my heart to feel much safer now.
It started with the simple mantra of just saying “I am safe”, whenever I felt like the world was falling apart and that I was all alone in the world, even though I wasn’t.
And the Wheel of Colours definitely did the biggest part of the work here for me, by showing me that feeling loved and supported, and feeling safe, are linked for me.
Through this realization, I could actually begin to work on feeling loved and supported by myself, so that I could begin to feel safe as well (instead of not knowing what to do exactly and feeling insecure in all areas).
Learning about my need to feel supported by others to feel safe through the Wheel of Colours, and not just thinking that that’s what I need, like I did before I saw my Wheel of Colours, also made me realise that I needed to move away from the countryside and actually start building the family and network which will make me feel safe.
And it worked so well.
With this intention in mind, I met three people within the first two weeks of moving to Hamburg in September, who really already feel like family just two months after we met, and I know they will stay for life.
We write and check in almost every day, we really feel and support each other, and it’s quite amazing really.
I’m also starting to be in touch with my extended family again, and just had two very lovely birthday celebrations, where I could really feel at home, safe and supported AND be myself.
This has never been the case in my life before, and it is possible because I became aware of my needs and did the work to have them met.
So I have been, and I continue to create the circumstances for myself now to feel safe.
I go out of my way to check in with people and be there for them because without it, we can’t build strong relationships and feel loved and supported. And when we don’t feel safe, it is difficult to be authentic, which again is something we need to build strong relationships and feel seen.
So please have a look and see what it is that you need to feel loved and supported AND to feel safe, because you will need it both for a happy and healthy relationship and for everything in life.
The ninth field
And then we have the ninth field, which shows us how to live together peacefully, feel respected and respect others.
I have the colour red here, which is another colour I suggest to also look at because it’s the colour of faith, trust and passion, all things we need, to be in a happy relationship.
Again, please look for where you have the colour red and what your ninth field says because both are important, as they most likely will not be the same for you.
One of the things that really resonated with me here was the following sentence:
Because this has really been my reality until I made my Wheel of Colours and realised this.
If somebody had betrayed me, or somehow I found out that I couldn’t trust them, I didn’t want anything to do with them or anything they did or liked any more.
After a painful break-up many years ago, I didn’t even go into the part of town where my ex lived for a really long time – it’s a bit overdramatic, but it was my intuitive reaction and I have a lot of compassion for my hurt and overreacting heart now.
Now I can also see that when I’m not going to places or not doing things, only because in my head they are connected to somebody who broke my trust, then I block myself from fun and/or necessary experiences and opportunities.
At the same time, I also have to recognise that for me, trust and respect go hand in hand.
In the self-inquiry I started, after realising this, I found out that for me to trust someone, they basically need to be like god, all good, all forgiving, self-critical and very loving, self-less (or self-full – so resourced that they don’t need anything but can enjoy everything) or aspire to be.
If they don’t have complete pure intentions and self-reflection, I’m out.
We can be friends but nothing closer.
And I stand by this and expect the same from myself.
It’s my happy and my safe-place, and I wouldn’t go for anything less.
But what I value high, might be meaningless or of little interest to you, and that is just the way it’s supposed to be.
We are all born different and with different needs, and I can see how different the needs of people are in the different areas through the Wheel of Colours every time I make a new Wheel for someone.
It’s why some people are right for us and others aren’t.
There’s nothing wrong with anyone, it’s just different needs and expectations.
But what we all have in common is, that we have to start by figuring out what we need to feel respected, to respect and to trust others, then we can begin to lovingly accept that, and then we can begin to lovingly change what keeps us from getting what we want and need.
What do you need to trust someone? What do you need, to respect someone?
Photo by Min An on Pexels.
The Colour White
There is one more colour I’d like to look at, and that is the colour white, which is the colour for interpersonal relationships.
For me, this is in field eleven, the field for knowing your inner voice – which makes relationships quite complicated.
As you might imagine, to understand your inner voice through the interaction with others doesn’t only make one quite dependent, but it also limits what I can experience and understand about myself, not just by looking at myself, but by interacting with others.
Growing up, I learned about the experiences of those around me quickly and could then use that for myself, but the options I found near me just weren’t enough for all I was, which I believe, is the reason why I always longed to leave the place where I grew up – so that I could discover myself more through the eyes of others.
Since realising this, I was able to build an excellent connection to my inner voice though, without having to go through the experiences of others any more, unless I’m stuck somewhere and then, the universe always sends just the right person, though in a way, our inner voice always also comes from the experience of other people, or their souls, our collective consciousness, I just don’t have to physically interact with people any more to hear and explore myself more – I can now do this in mediation mostly.
Depending on where the relationship colour is in your wheel, it will show you if you have an easy time connecting with or attracting people (beginning) or a harder time (end).
If you have an easy time attracting random people into your life, it is your task to learn how to create more conscious connections that will enhance your life experience and not have too many superficial connections which can distract you from yourself and exploring your own needs and desires.
If you have a hard time connecting, it’s your task to open up more, to not be so conscious and serious about the connections you make and to also to find joy in random encounters.
We all have something to learn and ways to grow here, so we can begin to experience things differently and live a more well-rounded life, express and experience ourselves fully and, most importantly, start creating relationships that really nourish us and enrich our lives.
Photo by PhotoMIX Company on Pexels.
And then lastly, look at field number 8, your biggest lesson. Because the people you are naturally attracted to are usually the ones who can teach you that lesson. And if you can become aware of that, you might not have to learn it the hard way.
My colour here is orange, the classical colour for that fields, which means that my whole life evolves around learning and teaching, and I can definitely agree that I feel very attracted to people, who, I feel, can teach me something.
How to create meaningful relationships with these insights
Now the question is: how can I use all of this information to create meaningful relationships with somebody else and meet my desires, needs and wishes?
When I come back to field number two, collaboration & connection, my colour green, and my need, desire or wish is to build an intimate relationship – I can bring it to my awareness that my default is to just focus on achieving my goal, when instead it would be much more graceful, joyful, gentle and loving, to step back create a clear picture of how I’d like to feel and then to open up to that feeling, so that when I meet a new person, we can both explore together what we want and if and how we can be there for each other and help each other to both have everything we wish for in life.
And then it will help me to also see and explore what I can learn from them and this connection, and if that is something that will keep me interested and fascinated long term.
When it comes to field number seven, feeling safe and protected in a relationship, we have the wish, need, desire right there: to feel safe and protected and for me, to feel safe means that I need to feel the love and support from others. And to have that, it’s my job to find the people who can and are even happy to give that to me, because they also love themselves, and also to give that to myself, as my self-love will also make me feel more safe.
Then, with field number nine, when I wish to build my relationship on mutual respect, I know that I need to be able to fully trust someone to be able to do that.
And, also, that I have to respect them to trust them.
And for that, I know that they don’t have to be free of fault or know everything or have everything figured out, but they have to be very self-aware, loving, reflective, working for the greater good, community oriented and calm, more slow than fast, more deep, than superficial.
Anything that’s fast or impulsive I can find interesting and appealing for a while, but it doesn’t feel respectful and therefore not trustworthy to me long-term.
Then, when we come to the colour white, I know that my brain is wired to mirror the emotions of other people, so I can learn from them and that I do experience myself and learn through the emotions of others.
This has served me so well in my life because my adventurous and creative soul led me to meet some of the most fascinating people and I feel incredibly honoured and blessed to have been able to learn from them.
But it also means that as a default in interactions, I’ve barely been myself or shown myself because my default is to absorb and not to show. So I’m learning to share and show more of myself (to make it possible to be seen, heard and loved for who I am). So when it comes to the Wheel of Colours, this is how it has helped me to understand myself better, to trust and respect others, to learn to be more gentle with myself and others and to know what I need to feel safe, loved, connected and protected.
I’m sharing this, as an example, so you can do the same kind of investigation for yourself and then begin to practice what you need in terms of relationships.
Just look at your wheel and find out what is true for you and how you can use this information to get closer to what you want/need and desire when it comes to relationships.
What do your colours in your Wheel of Colours tell you about what you need?
Leave a comment below or bring it to our Facebook group.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.
And now, let’s get to the questions.
Have you answered the questions from the last lesson for yourself already?
I know I already asked that, but this is really important.
If not, now is still the best time to do it, and then come back here to see if there’s anything you might want to add or somewhere else where you might want to look for yourself, but it’s so important to do this YOUR way first – without my thought influencing yours.
Are you ready? Then here are my answers.
1. What do I need to feel seen or heard in a relationship?
For me to feel seen or heard, I have to actually show my true self and as someone who has often felt like they were too much, or too complex or too needy or other things (from people who’ve not been well resourced) this is not always very easy.
This, paired with my default setting to learn through the experience of others, as I’ve mentioned above, when I talked about the colour white in my wheel, always made me a great listener and facilitator, but not a great contributor.
So, while I’ve got a lot better and contributing and sharing (I remember that in school or university, speaking up was the hardest thing – even just saying my name out loud in-front of a group of people felt like I might literally die of a heart attack) and now I can speak in front of other people with ease (through practice and awareness that this behaviour is limiting to my soul’s expression) yet I still find it difficult to share my most intimate feelings in spoken words and not just writing. Writing always works. 🙂
And even while I’m sharing quite intimate things with you here, I only share what I’ve worked through and out and what I feel I’ve healed, and not what is still vulnerable and raw – which is the appropriate thing to do in this setting, I feel. 😉
So for me, to open up about the rest, I have to also feel loved and supported = safe. Which leads us right to the next question. 🙂
(In 2024 I’d like to add that I really had to practice getting in touch with myself here, and that I had to learn to value myself and to begin to think that what I see and feel is relevant, because this acknowledgement has been buried so deep. And the more I could see and value myself for who I am, the less it mattered what other people think and see. So, for me to feel heard and seen, I had to learn to value and really see myself.)
2. When have I felt really loved and supported?
I feel loved and supported when I can see and feel that people have an actual interest in me.
I do have to admit that when people show an active interest in me, I still find that suspicious at first, because, I have often experienced that people are interested in me not because of me, but because they want something from me – and that does not always feel great – at least not if their wants are the main reason for our connection.
But of course, I play a role in this dynamic too and as I’m working on it, I can also see this starting to change.
The thing is, though, that I don’t want anything from anyone other than connection. I’m super interest in meeting and exploring things together and learning about other people and what they like and do and how they see the world.
So I actively have to seek out people who are like that as well for me to feel safe and to have my needs met.
When I meet people who have the capacity to be quiet with me and not talk, when we can build trust through touch, when there are no unsaid expectations, no impatience, then I feel loved and supported.
When people have the capacity to quietly watch and notice me doing certain things, when they listen to what I have to say and can be patient when I take time to get to things or don’t know them right away, that’s when I feel loved and supported.
Also, just presence and sharing space and cooking together or doing things together makes me feel loved and supported.
With one of my new friends here, this is super easy.
We notice many of the same things. On my birthday, we went to the planetarium together for a 3D-Space Tour and both noticed a planet with an extra funny name.
So it’s our planet now.
These kinds of things make me feel loved because we’re co-creating reality through shared experiences.
3. What do I need to trust someone?
I guess I answered this question with the colours already. To trust someone, I need to respect them and to respect them they have to be very honourable and only have the best intentions. 🙂
4. When do I feel someone is trusting me?
I guess I feel someone is trusting me when they say things like: “I’ve never said this to anyone before.” It happens quite often, not just in coaching sessions, but it’s a reason why I think I’m very good at my job.
I am trustworthy, very non-judgemental and I pay full attention to what other people say when I’m well resourced. That helps. But I’m also genuinely interested in what other people have to say, and I guess that makes them feel happy and ready to share as well.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.
5. How can I honour their trust?
I recently talked to a friend, and she said: “Oh my Mum, doesn’t gossip, she believes it’s a sin.” and I just thought about how much better the world would be if we all saw gossip this way.
I decided when I was quite young to never say anything about a person that I wouldn’t also say to their face, and it has saved me from a lot of trouble. For me, a good reason not to trust someone is when I hear them judge someone else or talk about anyone in a negative or judgemental way.
If they talk about other people this way, they might speak the same way about me, and so I keep my distance.
So, I honour people by not speaking badly about them, which is easy because I’d really have to stretch myself to find anything negative to think about anyone, and I honour people’s trust by not sharing what they tell me with others in a way that would betray their trust.
5. How can I find out what I desire?
Honestly, looking at my Wheel of Colours and answering these questions has already helped me a lot.
But also just asking myself the question: What do I desire? Here’s what came up:
What I desire most these days is trust and connection, and I’m working on building that with myself and other people. One thing that I only had in one relationship so far, and that I’d definitely like to have for the rest of my life, is a connection and a mutual desire to explore each other and ourselves deeply on a sexual and sensual level. Just touching and feeling and seeing what feels good. Not just rushing to satisfy one another. 🙂
But also all the things I mentioned above that make me feel safe. I’d love to live in a way where we can share common things with each other and also keep the beauty and wonder and adaventure alive.
6. How can I find out what another person desires?
One of the many beautiful things I learned when I lived with Roma families in Ukraine was, how they raise their children.
They always wanted to know how we raise our babies and when we feed them what and so on.
So when I asked them about how they know, for example, that their baby is ready to eat solid food, they said: “Oh, we can tell by the baby watching the spoon.”
When it shows interest in what we eat, we can begin to feed it. <3
Life is so simple, really.
So when we want to find out what another person desires, we can watch them and see where their interest goes, or we can ask them.
The thing is, often people have no idea what they really desire. I was never as clear about it as I am now.
So, this is also a great thing to talk about with somebody we care about, and how sexy is it to explore our desires together?
I actually have a great book and some exercises for this, which we will look at next week.
7. And how can we meet and make each other happy?
Over time, I think, we can find out what makes somebody happy, if we are attentive and care for them, but I always think it’s great to ask as well. Because even if things make people happy sometimes, they might not always make them happy.
Again, this might be different from person to person, but what makes me realllllllyyyyy happy are questions.
When people ask me how I feel or think about something, or what I would like to do, instead of just guessing or projecting makes me very happy.
Good, patient and loving communication, touch, kisses, openly shown love and affection that is how I love to meet others and how I love to make things happen together.
8. What do I need to feel safe to share what I’d like to share?
Again, this for me is trust, patience and knowing that the other person has the capacity to hold what I have to say and doesn’t make problems I have and share with them about themselves.
And I can only find out if this works with a person by trying it out and/or if it doesn’t work right away by saying that this is what I need to trust and asking them if they are willing to build this capacity with me.
If not or they don’t feel they can, it’s not on them, we are each built in our own ways, but then I know that they are not the right person for me because it is something that I need and the absence of which has caused too much suffering for me in the past.
(My parents, especially my mum, where always stressed and overwhelmed, so if i ‘needed or wanted’ something it was always too much as they could only see how that would impact them (even if it wasn’t anything they needed to do, it felt just noticing my existence was too much), and this is something that has repeated in later relationships, and led me to suppress all my needs and feelings as much as I could to not cause any inconveniences, and in that I lost myself – and to recover myself from that was difficult and painful – so I won’t ever go there again).
9. What questions have I not been asking myself to fully express myself and be my true and authentic self?
It’s quite sweet.
After writing out the Wheel of Colours part and answering the first eight questions for today more or less in one go, I stopped here because I really had no clue any more and went on to update some things on the website.
Now, as it’s almost time to stop working and that I am feeling exhausted, I noticed some more desires and needs coming up.
Which led to these questions, which you and I can both ask ourselves to fully be able to be ourselves in a relationship:
Q: How do you like to be treated?
A: With trust, kindness, patience and generosity.
Q: What do you miss that you hope to find in a relationship?
A: To rest my head on someone’s shoulder occasionally.
To hear nice words and compliments.
To share what I’m working on and how it’s going.
To discuss what I find interesting and get new inputs and critical questions.
Someone cooking for me.
Kisses, comfort, touch.
Walking hand in hand.
Laughing together. Teasing each other.
Listening. Sharing. Learning and exploring together.
Music. Films. Walks. Vacations.
Having someone read to me.
Sharing what we dreamt about.
Massages.
Plans for the future.
Love.
The last three Questions
The last few questions I will leave to you and your (potential) partners and to me and mine to answer privately.
But here they are again.
10. What questions have I not been asking my partner(s) to get to know them and understand what they wish for and desire?
11. What do they need to feel safe?
12. What do they need to feel loved, seen or heard?
I hope that this has helped you to get a better understanding of what you want, need and desire in a relationship.
When looking to find our ideal partners or how to create or be in a loving and kind relationship with someone, the most important thing is to find out what we need and desire, and then we can learn to communicate that and see if we are actually (still a) match.
Because it’s never the other person’s fault if they have different needs, it simply means that they are not someone who can meet ours, if it costs them too much.
Like they say, you can’t push a square in a round whole, or the other way around.
There are some things about us which we can change because if we don’t, they keep us from fully experiencing, expressing and being who we are.
But there are other things, which make us who we are, and those we can also learn to honour.
If we deny or suppress them, we won’t be happy, and it might even make us sick.
It’s a challenge to find out what we have to honour and what we can change, and I, personally, know no better tool for this than the Wheel of Colours.
So our task is to get clear on what we want, what and who we are and then learn how we can joyfully be all of that, so we can attract the people who want to share this with us.
If we deny ourselves, our needs and our wishes, we won’t find the right people, but the people who are attracted to the version of us that we show.
We might find the people who also deny themselves things, or those who are attracted to the lack and unhappiness, that we feel and show, as that’s what they are most familiar with as well, but that can hardly be what anyone wants.
So we can learn and practice and try and fail and try again, until we get it right and can learn to comfortably be ourselves, be weird, be needy in some ways and not in others, be loving, kind, funny, silly, energetic, calm and all of everything that we are and that makes us us.
And we can do this lovingly, joyfully, forgivingly, with curiosity and generously.
What have you learned?
And I’m curious to know what the most useful thing is you’ve learned about yourself and your relationships today.
If you feel so inclined, you can share it in the comments.
If you have any questions, you can ask them here or in the Facebook group as well.

Creatrix school – Chapter 07 – Relationships
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- Week 1
- Week 2
- Week 3
- Week 4
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