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What Do You Need and Desire?
Dear Creatrix,
How are you today?
Over the last week, we started to look at our current situation, when it comes to love and relationships, and we tried our best to let go of what’s been holding us back, by starting to honestly inspect our lives and past relationships.
Self-love is key when it comes to being able to give and receive love, so I will give you a reminder to be loving, kind and gentle with yourself in each of these lessons.
We will have a whole chapter on self-talk and mindfulness soon, but it takes lots of patience and practice to really get all negativity and criticism out of the system, so it is good to take any opportunity to start practising.
In the last lesson, we saw why jealousy and comparison are not helpful if we want to change the way we live, or live happier and more fulfilled lives.
And we saw that jealousy is not just about being jealous that a partner might like somebody else better (which really is insecurity) but that we can also be jealous of a person’s life in general, as a way to distract ourselves from creating the changes we seek.
Today, we will go a bit deeper and really look at all that we are bringing to the table – and how we can learn to really love all of that by beginning to see that the way we are is incredibly great and that we are the way we are for a reason.
So, let’s look at some other common assumptions people have that are not helpful and that we can begin to overcome.
One misconception many people have, is, that they think that by finding the right partner, things will change for the better for them. And believe me, I’ve been there. This doesn’t make it true, though.
Because things will only be better when you make them so, and it’s honestly not very nice to expect someone else to do the work for you and to expect them to help you or guide you to feel better, just because you don’t know how to do it yourself – yet.
Because you can learn, and then show up as the best possible person for yourself and for your partner.
Another thing that is related, but different is, that when you have a partner currently, and think that if only they would change and became more attentive or attuned, you would feel better and things would change for the better.
Again, if you don’t feel good, see that you do what you need to do to feel better and don’t blame your partner for it or wait for them to make the first move -it’s your life, if you want something else change it, and your partner might either join you or not, and we have to accept that, as we all have free choice.
Just don’t ever wait on anyone else to change things for you. It’s not fair to them or you, because all it says that you don’t think you can do it on your own. And maybe that is true, but then that is something for you to learn, so you can grow into your full power and not for someone else to change for you – because that will keep you disempowered.
This might be a hard truth, so take it in slowly and carefully and kindly.
Taste it, feel it, get familiar with it, until you feel comfortable accepting it.
You might want to cry and grief for all them times you didn’t see that and that’s OK.
Tears always help us to cleanse ourselves, to release the old and make room for the new.
Feel your feelings and then get ready to do the work, because you are so worth it, and you deserve all the love in the world, especially yours.
So the key is, to figure these things out for ourselves and not to make our well-being someone else’s responsibility.
Our (ideal) partners have their own things to work through, so if we want to build a strong, loving and caring, balanced and lasting relationship, we have to work on being balanced and tempered, well-resourced ourselves before all else – so that we can support each other from there – lovingly, kindly, generously.
Just the other day I saw this quote again, that said something along the lines of: “Stop telling people they have to love themselves first to be loved, they are worthy of love despite their struggles.”
And I agree, everyone is worthy of love.
And you are 100% worthy of YOUR OWN love as well. Just start with yourself here.
Because the thing is, we attract people who are on the same frequency as we are, and so if we can’t love ourselves, we usually attract people who can’t love themselves either, and that makes for complicated and painful relationships.
So, it always comes back to the beautiful question of : “What do you want?”
When I didn’t love myself, I loved other people and other people loved me – but we had complicated relationships and constantly triggered each other’s wounds – which in a way is great, because the triggers are there to guide us towards healing, but when that happens through constant arguments or insecurities, it’s really hard, and we run the risks of causing even more harm and deepen the wounds that are already there and painful.
So, we just have to see when we have enough of that, and would like to open up to new possibilities, and that always involves being open to work on ourselves. And honestly, it is a very simple equation – the more we love ourselves, the more we love life – and everyone in it. And what we send out always returns manifold.
Because of this, I decided at some point, that I wanted to heal myself enough to match with people who have worked on themselves enough as well, so we can always (aim to) be kind, loving, understanding, generous and gentle with each other and help, and uplift each other, instead of trigger and hurt each other involuntarily.
And since then, I dated quite a few people, and I took each person as an opportunity to see where I am at, how I vibrate and how I still need to grow, to be able to eventually find that person, who I will love to be with all the time, but to get there I first had to figure out what I want now, and what my boundaries are, so I could notice when they get crossed, and to invite more of what my soul and my heart really desired into my life.
So, if you wish, I’ll invite you to do the same. And to find out what you want and wish for yourself, what your heart and soul desire, and what is in your soul’s blueprint, so you can align with that.
And to make that easier, we will now look a bit more at how we can get in touch with what we really desire and wish for.
Photo by Lukáš Dlutko on Pexels.
And we will start here:
Just imagine, the next time something comes up, and you see a fight or disagreement with someone you love unfolding – about something that might or might not have come up regularly in the past – and you can simply breathe, say you need a time-out to collect yourself, and can then come back to discuss things from a place of feeling resourced in yourself, and begin to break old cycles instead of being caught in them.
When you allow yourself a time-out, you can enter with an open heart to figure out, together with your partner, what might have caused the situation and what you can both do to handle things better in the future – if they are willing to do the same.
No hard feelings, just life being life.
But it might take a while to get there.
For now, if that is something that you’d like to experience, just set it as a goal, and then whenever a fight comes up, just begin to notice what happens, and what you usually do and then begin to think if you see other options, if you could also react in other ways.
There is this beautiful world called entanglement, that I think comes from Buddhism.
The word describes the state we’re in when we get mixed up in other people’s business – which is generally what most people do all the time – until we figure it out and free ourselves.
When we make sacrifices to receive love, we are entangled, and I’ve never ever seen it work out in a good way.
Have you ever thought:
“I do this and that and yet, what do I get from you?”
“I’ve been sacrificing my needs, to make you happy, yet how do you reward me?”
Or whatever your experience might be.
Maybe you were also on the receiving end of this.
But if we do something to get something back, it’s never actually doing something for the other person, it is because WE want something and don’t dare to ask for it.
Just let this sink in for a second and see your actions or reactions that way.
I remember one person I dated where this came up all the time, but as she didn’t know any other way, I couldn’t even address it, in a way that she seemed to understand, which was really painful. But I’ve been that way, too, because I didn’t know anything else.
When we look at it plainly, using these kinds of patterns or strategies, means that we are trying to manipulate someone or even pressure them into something we want – not interacting at eye level to find out what both sides want.
The other person usually notices this, consciously or unconsciously, and reacts with rejection – because no one wants to feel pressured or obliged to give love as a return for a deed or a sacrifice.
Entanglement is basically everything we see going wrong in interpersonal relationships.
We will also come back to this in the lesson on non-violent communication.
But we can already begin to fine-tune our awareness here.
When we think that someone makes us feel something, or that we feel a certain way because someone has treated us this or that way, then, from now on, we can recognize that this can never be true.
No one is in our head, our thoughts and feelings are ours alone.
No one can ever make us feel anything, only we can. And again, this is about taking responsibility for that.
On autopilot, we might react a certain way, but if we don’t want to continue to react that way, we are the only ones who have the power to change it.
If you feel you’re not treated right, then you are probably right. So what are you going to do about it?
Don’t blame your partner, they are just being themselves and doing the best they can.
See whether you want to accept that behaviour or not. If they are willing and able to work on it, good, if not, get yourself out of harm’s way and show the universe how you would like to be treated from now on and show yourself that you won’t accept bad treatment any more.
Once we begin to become conscious and aware, we can influence our thoughts and reactions and through that also our feelings, and it becomes our choice to decide how much power we want to give another person over our feelings.
We know now, that if we don’t feel loved, it is because we don’t love ourselves enough and can start with ourselves instead of expecting the almost impossible from someone else.
If we don’t feel seen or heard, it is because we don’t show ourselves or express ourselves so that we can be seen or heard, and we need to work on that.
If we feel we have too much responsibility, then we need to step back and allow and open the space for others to step up, even if it is difficult.
But whatever it is that bothers or upsets us – it is in our power, and it is our responsibility to change it, and the same is true for our partners.
We can blame other people for everything, but again, it does not change anything.
It’s only when we begin to change and do the work, that things will change for us as well.
So, if we are looking for love, we have to first figure out what that means, feels and looks like for us, to us, and then find and practice it in ourselves.
Once we have found this, know what it feels like and how to give it, it will most likely come to us automatically as well.
If we want to feel love, true love, unconditional love, it might take some practice because we have very few role models, and are not always used to giving things freely and without expectations or ego-hopes attached to it.
It’s a process, that is most likely not going to happen in a day.
In some wisdom traditions, desirelessness is what people are looking to achieve, and I thought about this a lot over the last few weeks when preparing this chapter.
I think that in the way we live now, we can’t jump from not knowing our desires to desirelessness.
We first have to uncover our desires, to see that they are illusions too, to eventually overcome them and be enlightened.
But we suffer as long as we don’t even know what we want and need because then we have to accept and deal with everything that other unenlightened people put out there.
So we take one step at a time.
To move from where we are to the next stage that makes us feel better and more empowered, and so on.
And the first step is to get in touch with our desires and wishes and admit that we have them, and then learn to communicate them so that we can feel met and alive.
We can also become aware of the way we typically react in certain situations and the roles we play and slip into, and take responsibility for our words and actions (we will look at that in an upcoming lesson).
And we can see what we need to feel so resourced and full of love so that we don’t feel like we can only give love out if we get something back (this is an ongoing practice).
In this lesson, we are going to begin to explore our desires
To get a little help with this, we can look at our astrology chart and see what it says in terms of relationships and connections there.
And we can also have a look at our Wheel of Colours which I find incredibly helpful and illuminating for this.
In your Wheel of Colours you can look at where you have the colours white (relationships), yellow (love and trust) or red (passion) and also at field 2 (collaboration) and field 7 (protection) and field 9 (how to live together peacefully).
And if you’d like to know why you are attracted to some people and not to others, look at field number 8, as that is your first lesson, and often we are (unconsciously) attracted to people who can teach us what we need to learn there.
So looking at our Wheel of Colours can really give you a great idea of things you need and that you can bring to your awareness to make everything related to giving and receiving love, feeling supported and safe a reality and to understand yourself and the people you love better.
The Wheel of Colours, more than any tool I know, or I guess kind of like astrology, helps us to recognize our blueprint and if we accept that and work with that, we come into alignment with our highest self, with what our soul chose for us in this lifetime and can live in the way we are designed and that is what makes us happy and gives us soul fulfilment.
And in the next lesson we will go through all of these fields one by one, to look at them in terms of relationships, but do have a look at it yourself, now, and see what you make of it, before I guide you through it, as this might instinctually guide you to the most relevant information for YOU.
When you’re done, you can also ask yourself the following questions:
- What do I need to feel seen or heard in a relationship?
- When have I felt really loved and supported?
- What do I need to trust someone?
- When do I feel someone is trusting me?
- How can I honour their trust?
- How can I find out what I desire?
- How can I find out what another person desires?
- And how can we meet and make each other happy?
- What do I need, to feel safe, to be able to share what I’d like to share?
- What questions have I not been asking myself to fully express myself and be my true and authentic self?
- What questions have I not been asking my partner(s) to get to know them and understand what they wish for and desire?
- What do they need to feel safe?
- What do they need to feel loved, seen or heard?
Once we are more clear on these things, everything will get easier.
So take your time and really do an honest enquiry, I will do the same and share my answers with you in the next lesson, even though I have to admit I find this quite scary.
But I also know that when fear and resistance come up, it’s a sign that we have a great opportunity to grow here.
I hope you will manage this challenge of radical honesty bravely and with gratefulness for what you have, compassion for yourself and all feelings and fears that might come up, as well as pride for facing your fears and becoming more conscious of your needs and desires.
And really remind yourself that you are not just doing this for yourself.
The more clarity, confidence and connection you bring into your life, the more of that you will share with the world and create the ripple effects we all need to live together peacefully.
Taking the time to honestly answer these questions is not just a gift you give to yourself.
Your love, compassion, understanding, satisfaction and clear communication are a gift to everyone you interact with and the only way we can change the world for the better.
So go do your work and I will do mine, and then we can meet again in the next lesson.
❤️ With this, I wish you love and joy and happiness.
I hope you enjoy your growth and have a great start to the week.

Creatrix school – Chapter 07 – Relationships
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- Week 1
- Week 2
- Week 3
- Week 4
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