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How can we overcome Loneliness?
Loneliness and a fear of loneliness have been constant companions of mine, for the first 40 years of my life. Yet, I was never alone.
I grew up in a loving family who gave me everything they had. I was always surrounded by people.
Being class representative in school, speaking on behalf of all other students, easily finding trust and respect from all groups and cliques.
Later organizing events, parties, festivals. Networking was easy for me, finding and connecting with the right people a favourite pastime, yet at the same time I never felt like any of that had anything to do with me.
I always felt like I was playing a role because I was, only I had been playing this role for so long, that I didn’t even know that I was.
I wasn’t being my true self, and therefore no connection felt real and I always felt lonely. Even if it looked like I was loved, respected, and well-connected.
And this only changed in my forties, when I decided to go into self-chosen isolation.
I took it upon myself to face all my fears, by myself, after a relationship had ended and I had enough of the big-city life.
While at that time I just felt like I wanted to get away from it all, I unknowingly embarked on a journey to face all my demons and befriend them so that I could begin to live a free and self-actualized life.
Looking back, the discomfort of facing a demon, which might last for a day or a week, is so easily forgotten and worth every second, comparing it to the insecurity and fears I experienced for years before and the freedom, joy and love I have since.
It’s absolutely possible to overcome loneliness and any other hardship, if we allow ourselves to meet ourselves. I’m the living proof.
Until then, I felt like I had tried everything to please and attract the people I liked, to overcome my loneliness by looking for the right people.
I tried. I succeeded in many ways, but I still never felt the connection I was longing for.
It is now that I know that the trying was the problem. I was trying to be someone likeable. I was trying to be someone creative, or successful.
I was trying to be good – so that I would get approval for that from other people.
I was all of these things as well, but I was not looking for and nourishing my inherent qualities in myself and for myself, instead I was trying to prove them by presenting results or achievements or other ‘acquired’ things or trades to others so they could approve of me.
And as long as our connection to ourselves is focused on these ‘things/qualities/presentations’ and we are looking for outside approval instead of loving and approving our true selves ourselves, our connections to other people and the world around us will remain superficial. Because no outside approval will be enough, if we don’t love ourselves as well.
It honestly puts my body under stress now, to just try to feel back into those times.
I allowed my true self to come out and started to be me instead of trying to be a likeable version of me. I understood that I had to love myself unconditionally, before anyone else could.
Because in the previous state, I wouldn’t even have been able to see or feel or recognize unconditional love – we can only experience what we know for ourselves. Which is why we always have to start with ourselves, if we want to create changes in our lives.
To overcome loneliness, we first have to meet ourselves.
What I see in my clients, and in my former self, what makes the first steps to living an authentic life difficult, is that they, we, fear that when we uncover our true selves we might discover something bad, or not likeable or something that makes life even harder for us than it is now.
But that is never true. NEVER.
Because we are all inherently good. We might have acquired bad habits, or coping mechanisms that once protected us and now harm or block us, but the more we befriend these old habits and mechanisms instead of punishing ourselves for them, the easier it becomes to let them go, and the kinder we become.
Towards ourselves and with that to all around us as well.
Likewise, if we are not honest and true to ourselves, we cannot make and might never be able to make an honest or true connection with anyone else.
This truth might hurt, but it can also empower us to make the changes it takes to overcome loneliness and start making true connections, by first connecting to and befriending our true selves.
In the CREATRIX School we spend the whole month of August with learning how to meet ourselves and how we can find grounding and true connection within ourselves.
This does not have to be a process that you have to go through alone, I opened the CREATRIX School exactly for this reason so that you won’t have to.
And I promise you that it is the most rewarding experience to allow yourself to really be yourself. It might feel a bit clunky at first, but you’ll get the hang of it sooner than you might think.
Trying to be someone else costs a lot of energy, blocking yourself costs a lot of energy.
When we try to be a presentable version of ourselves we constantly have to think about who and how we want to be and have to remember what that entails, all of which keeps us from actually being in the present moment and experiencing life, ourselves in it and with that real connection.
Trying is hard work, being ourselves allows us to get carried through life much more effortlessly and easily.
After all, each of us is a reflection of the same consciousness trying to explore their unique qualities. If we don’t, we block ourselves from living our purpose and with that create a lot of frustration and unhappiness.
Once we begin to allow ourselves to be ourselves, we almost automatically overcome loneliness and the fear of loneliness because by connecting to ourselves we also start to feel that we are connected to everything and everyone around us.
And this is really where the magic begins and why I’ve opened the CREATRIX School, so that you and anyone else can experience what it feels like to enter into the flow of life, where life becomes so much more effortless, more simple and more joyful.
Ever since I’ve met myself, the idea of loneliness seems completely foreign because I never feel alone any more. Even, or especially, when there is no one else around, I can connect to it all.
I’m not always connected to all that is around me, but I know that I can connect and tune in whenever I want to, and there’s nothing from the outside world I need for that. No more looking, no more trying, just being.
When I’m with the right people, I can feel true connection now, instead of loneliness, or not really feeling seen or met.
In order to experience that, we have to learn to not just be our true selves, but also to show our true selves and not just expect or hope to be seen.
To overcome loneliness, I had to learn to share what is truly going on with me, when I’m with other people, and not feel the need to convince them of something I thought they should know about me or make them like me, by acting like all was well at all times.
Giving up trying and pretending, thankfully, actually led to me being well almost all the time now 😉
To overcome loneliness, I had to learn to allow myself to be myself, first by myself, then around the people who loved me already and then in the presence of anyone, without being afraid to reveal anything unwanted because even the unwanted things are a part of life and make me me and human and I can accept and love them.
To overcome loneliness, I had to understand that I’m a real and full and necessary part of this world, just as I am, and so are you.
Each of us is here to live as our unique selves, not a pretend version of that.
If we become ourselves, we can also be ourselves and feel loved, together.
And you can learn to recognize and experience that as well. Is it time for you to overcome loneliness and start living as your true and authentic self?
Then join the CREATRIX School now, to begin. I can’t wait to see you make new connections and thrive joyfully as your authentic self!