Photo collage by me from my archive.
Dear Future Self,
Today I have had people around me for two weeks in a row, after a year of mostly being by myself.
In this year, I had friends coming to visit for a weekend occasionally, and I met people sporadically, but I was also going for weeks without being around other people at all.
In the beginning, especially in fall/early winter, it was difficult to be by myself. I thought I wanted to have a family, and a lively house.
It’s all I ever wanted, I thought. But it turned out it was only all I ever knew to want.
So, I sat through feeling incredibly uncomfortable. I let myself be uncomfortable, I welcomed it all, pushed nothing away and soon enough the light came in and I realized that I had been given the gift of quiet.
The gift of really getting to know myself, of arriving in the space I was and am in and to intimately get to know it.
To familiarize myself with the sounds, the colours. Without distractions. Experiencing the different smells of different plants and the wake-up calls, alarm calls, happy songs of the birds.
To build myself a home, a refuge, a place where nothing can distract me from meeting myself on the deepest levels I’ve experienced so far.
Until I get so accustomed to being myself that I can start to be myself with other people as well.
Before, never in my life would I have allowed myself to take time for myself while I had guests.
As soon as other people were around me, I would do everything in my power to guess what they might want or need, and to see if I can provide that.
It was like I had no way to even stay in my body. Everything about me had to go, to make space for others. And then I wondered why I felt there was no real connection.
I was so far away from myself, and if I couldn’t even connect to myself, how was I supposed to connect to others.
At the same time leaving myself, my needs my wishes behind, also kept me guarded, safe, protected, around others. But it did not allow for really meeting each other.
I’m so grateful to be able to know myself now.
Being myself is my new practice. First very shyly by myself, and now carefully with others.
It’s still not always easy. I’m still learning. But I know what I value now. Time in the mornings to write, to meditate, to work out. A quiet start filled with intention.
Getting part of my work done, before everyone wakes up. Saying good night early, so I can have time before sleep to come back to myself.
Taking myself out and away, when it gets too much. I still have a long way to go to actually feel like I can be myself with others, naturally.
Without me having to remind myself to try. But even that feels great now because I feel like it’s great too to know that there will always be more to explore and new ways to be if I like.
I’m not working towards an end or to achieve something, I’m just constantly arriving at exploring myself in new ways.
Still, more often than not it is hard for me to hear what my heart has to say, when there are other peoples’ energies all over the place.
Still, I feel a lot of fear of rejection when I speak my truth. I know I will have to find other people to be around as well, people with similar ideas and experiences. That might make it easier.
People who don’t know me since the beginning, who don’t expect be to be in certain ways. Another thing to think about and look forward to, or maybe just an excuse?
So far, I can say, living with other people for two weeks has been a challenge, but a good one, and I’m glad that it gave me the chance to find out, in which areas I could still become a little or a lot stronger.
I’m so curious to hear what you think about all of this and where it’s going to take us.
I want to take the rest of the year to become more firm in my beliefs and to practice with more people, while giving myself enough time to recover and reflect.
So that there can be more new experiences and more love. And to make my biggest dreams come true, new dreams. Brave dreams. But more on that tomorrow.
Dear Future Self, what are your dreams now?
Dear Reader, what do you dream about? Where do you want to grow?
Lots of love,
Verena
► My Future Self Journal ▼
Why do I write to my future self? ◼︎ ●
Self-Actualizing, personal development, the search for more options, finding out how to actually live our best lives, or simply experiencing growth and change for any reason, might feel weird, scary or uncertain.
Yet impermanence or becoming is something we all share.
I started to write and publish some diary post a while ago, and looking back at them even a month later, I felt like I should rewrite them because my perspective had changed so much.
But that would be like trying to erase the most essential part: the journey.
We don't just arrive at a certain point, we struggle, fight, fall down, run in the wrong direction, come back, stand up, fall again and yet continue.
We laugh, love, enjoy, paint, sing, dance, discuss and find ourselves surprised by the unexpected. With every experience, we spiral up and can dive into deeper levels of experience and understanding if we allow ourselves to do so.
This series is a documentation of a journey into the unknown.
It shows how vulnerability and fear can be present, and welcomed, and not stop us.
It's about admitting mistakes and acknowledging how easily we can be wrong, no matter how mindful, present, in tune and aware we are.
We'll never know until we try.
But most of all it's about celebrating life in all its different forms and shapes, colours and sounds and tastes, in depth and lightness - to witness life's endless beauty and continuous unfolding.
We are all a part of life's magnificence, the question is: How much of it do we allow ourselves to enjoy and experience?
The more we open up and liberate ourselves from what we thought we knew, the more we allow to see things in new ways and the more love we share, the more magical life becomes.
May we open our present with presence and let our future selves continue to experience life wholeheartedly.
May my honesty inspire yours and show you that there is nothing to fear. Everything is working out for the greatest good. ❤️
With lots of love for you and this world,
Verena
