What to Say Instead of: I hate myself!

Photo by Engin Akyurt on Pexels.

To stop saying and then, as a next step, to stop thinking that I hated myself, has probably been the biggest game changer in my life.

And it happened way before I even thought about becoming a coach and doing what I do today. But because of it, I can do what I do now – and I can do it so well.

Because now I know what it feels like when you don’t believe in yourself, and what it takes to get out of that state.

If you’ve never said: “I hate myself!” to yourself, you may move to a different article.

But if you are one of those, who, like me, has said or thought that they hated themselves, and maybe even still experience self-hatred, talk to yourself in negative ways, are unhappy about the way you are, or doubt your abilities, know that I feel you.

I’ve been there.

And by getting myself out of that, I saw the effects this negative self-talk had on my life, as well as how much my life changed when I stopped bullying myself – and as a result, I founded the CREATRIX School, to share what I’ve learned and so that we can all learn how to be better to ourselves and grow into the people we are really meant to be – together.

What it was like to hate myself

I remember waking up in the mornings, thinking: “I hate myself.”

This was usually prompted by simply remembering all the things I didn’t do the previous day, which I could have done.

Thinking that because I didn’t do them yesterday, I will have to do them today.

Thinking that because I failed yesterday, I will fail again today.

Disappointment was lingering around me, before I had even left the bed, before barely opening my eyes.

I told myself that I hated myself after a conversation, when I didn’t actually say what I meant.

I told myself the same thing, when I felt I had let somebody down, and again, when I forgot about something, when I underestimated time again, or when I forgot to bring something home from the supermarket.

I saw failure and me not living up to my potential wherever I looked.

And in a way I was right to be upset, something was clearly wrong.

I was unhappy because I knew I was perfectly able to do all the things I didn’t do and say all the things that I couldn’t say, but something stopped me from it.

Eventually, I realized that it wasn’t my inherent badness, or that something was wrong with me, or that I was somehow doomed, or curses, or didn’t have something other people had, that kept me from living the life I wanted, it was actually me who did that.

My mind was saying all these mean things, I was saying all these mean things to myself, and therefore I crushed my spirit, before I even got up.

I came to realize that my mind was bullying me – I was bullying me.

Why did I talk to myself that way?

Of course, there were many personal reasons, experiences, and so on that let me to that point. I’m sure you have your reasons too.

We pick up on what other people say or think about us, from an early age on, we pick up on their fears, their worries and their concerns (which never have anything to do with us, but are just their own fears about themselves, and the unhealed parts within them) and then, if we’re not careful, we repeat that to ourselves and create our realities and lives to mirror what we think and believe about ourselves.

Until we become aware that this is what’s going on – as only when that awareness sets in, can we do something about it and then begin to change it.

What I found out when I began to reflect on this more, after I did the simple trick I will share with you below to get me out of verbally/mentally abusing myself every day, was that the main reason for my behaviour was, that I thought that my self-worth was related to my deeds and actions or inactions, and that if I was unable to do the most simple things (like buying all the things I wanted to at the supermarket, which I knew I could do theoretically, but somehow was unable to at that time), I didn’t deserve to be treated nicely.

It’s a terrible state to be in.

If you are there, or have been – know that it’s not your fault.

Most of us were raised to believe that our worth depended on what we achieved – and while we probably can’t find out who came up with this incredibly harmful and wrong idea first, we can most likely blame capitalism, colonization and globalization for the spread of it – because the only ones who profit from this kind of belief are the ones who benefit from our disempowerment as they would like to (continue to) exploit us.

But we can help each other out here, by reminding ourselves and each other that our self-worth is not linked to what we do – we are worthy regardless of what we do or can or can’t do.

In fact, there’s nothing in the world that we can do to make ourselves feel worthy, other than recognizing that we are worthy to be well and have everything we wish for, regardless of what anybody else thinks or says about us.

And at the beginning of that recognition always comes the question: “Who am I?”

As when we allow ourselves to look for answers to this question, we find out that we are here for a reason (we explore that in the PURPOSE chapter of the CREATRIX School) and that we are perfect as we are – we simply have to discover and develop our true qualities and superpowers and stop trying to be what other people want us to be or try to adjust to an unfair world, that is making us all sick.

As when we know who we are, what our superpowers are and then become able to use them for the highest good of all – that’s when we begin to thrive and live happy, fulfilled and joyful lives and can begin to see how all that self-doubt wasn’t even ours in the first place, or had anything to do with us – but instead with general ideas about the world and how to be in it – which are wrong and harmful.

And the Wheel of Colours is an incredible to tool to help us find out what we need in all situations in our lives to thrive, and can even guide us to living a fully enlightened life, by showing us how to live happily and freely using our unique gifts and talents.

The beauty of this tool is that it shows each of us, what we need as an individual, in all situations of our lives, by translating our unique subconscious structure into something that we can work with.

So even if we didn’t have anybody when we were growing up, who was able to help us discover our strengths (the weaknesses are pretty clear, no? ;)) and what we needed to believe in ourselves, to socialize, to feel safe, to connect, to be healthy and to show us what our unique gifts are, and would then gently guide us to learn what we didn’t know yet so that we could live a fully empowered life – the Wheel of Colours can help us see and understand of all that now – so that we can begin to live as our true selves.

And in the CREATRIX School, we then see how to put all of that new knowledge into practice for one full year – because change takes time and our lives are complex – and you can’t solve a problem you had all your life in a week or even a month, but you can solve it with guidance, love, patience and time.

Everyone, who didn’t have a supportive environment, with people who had a chance to heal all their traumas, wounds and insecurities, so they wouldn’t pass them on to the next generation, now needs to re-parent themselves.

And the good thing is that we can. We now have the opportunity to heal all our wounds and pains, discover who we are and live fully empowered lives – and as most of us can’t afford a personal coach to help us through these transitions – I surely couldn’t when I was depressed – I founded the CREATRIX School as a self-learn course, with group-coaching for those who would like to go deeper, but as an extra, that is not necessary to do this work, to make this year-long programme affordable for all (starting at €15 a month, and you get a 30-day free trial, to see if it’s the right programme for you).

I know what it feels like to be down, and to feel hopeless and alone, and^ I am now in a position to offer what I learned to help others, to help you, have an easier time.

You are loved

So even if it does not feel that way right now, know that you are loved.

There are many who love you just as you are, and the more you start to see how loveable you are, the more you will be able to recognize and accept the love others may have for you.

I love you, and so does source energy, the universe, or God, or Allah, or however you may call the energy that runs through all that is alive, and that allows us, you and me, and everyone else to be here now.

It’s in you, and it wants you to be happy.

You are beautiful and worthy of love, and you deserve to be treated well, no matter what.

Even if you feel so depressed, sad, useless, or doubtful right now, that it’s hard to believe that or trust that that might be true.

That’s absolutely OK. Just be where you are.

If you have doubts about what you can do or what you are meant to do or if you are not sure that you can really change, or if you are just so exhausted from all the pressure you put on yourself, that you can’t live up to the expectations of others, or your own – that’s absolutely OK.

It’s wonderful, actually, because it brought you here.

And from here you can embrace yourself as you are now and then gently begin to change things for yourself, and I’ll show you how in a second.

Just remember that things can change – and for that, you don’t need to change anything on the outside, you may simply have to change the way you speak to yourself.

Because when you change the way you speak to yourself, you will change the way you think about yourself, and that will lead to changing the way you act, and then that can change the way you are, and that will then change the way others see you and treat you – but for the first step and the second, and the third, you only need yourself and a little bit of hope that things might really get better from here and from now on.

But first let’s get back to where we were: I hated myself and my life for any possible reason, really, and while I did, I kept feeling pretty shitty about myself and the world. And no matter how much pressure or hate, bad words or shame I put on myself, I did not change anything for the better.

How about you? How do you feel right now?

(I hope it’s hopeful! ☀️ Or at least curious 🧐)

Photo by Dương Nhân on Pexels.

So we feel helpless and take it out on ourselves. I lingered in that place for a long time.

How about you? Have you ever thought: “If only I had the job, then…” or “If only I had a loving partner, then…”

In this state, we constantly feel like we have to prove ourselves, while running after things, not because they are the things we want, but because we feel we need to have them in order to… get something else.

“I need to have a partner, so I can be happy and work on the things I have to work on to find the right job.”

“I have to have a good job so that I can show up worthy in a relationship.”

As you can see, that way we won’t be able to find either – because we think we need one for the other.

Or: “If I only find someone who can love me for who I am, then I can also love myself,” is another typical one.

Or: “If one person believed in me, then I could be successful.”

What are the things you think you need to have to be happy?

Maybe you already have a great job and think happiness comes with the next promotion.

Or with the next million you make – because we can have these thoughts on all levels.

As long as we think that our self-worth or our happiness will come from something external, we are doomed to exhaust ourselves, to run after things, and to try and to long – and ultimately to fail.

Because looking for these things on the outside won’t make us feel like we deserve them on the inside.

And so, it goes on and on.

If we don’t make a conscious choice to stop this, we keep looking for things in the world that need fixing, that we need to do before we can be happy or free, or to live up to what we expect of ourselves, or what others expect of us.

We make the first million, there is no happiness, so we make the next, hoping to find it there, and yet we get disappointed again.

So many people have tried this and failed, yet we all seem to be following in their footsteps.

The thing is, that we can never fix or find whatever it is that we are looking for outside of ourselves as long as we don’t believe in ourselves and are able to find it in ourselves first, too.

And because of that, we have to fix is the way we think, and speak to ourselves before we try (and most likely will fail just to prove our point) anything else. And this starts with something as easy as, stopping to say: “I hate myself!”

This state might not even feel like the end of the world. Maybe you are pretty happy right now, you just feel like something is somehow still missing that you don’t seem to be able to reach, no matter what you do. But whatever it is, it all starts and ends with how you think about yourself and what you believe is possible for you, or not.

And how to resolve all these false and limiting beliefs we have about ourselves (may they be big or small), is what we practice in the CREATRIX School.

But when we are in a depression, especially, what renders us unable to do things we wish to do and feel the things we wish to feel, is that we believe we should do things to feel better, and we also think that we have to feel better to do them.

It’s almost impossible to get out of. But there’s a trick.

While we are in this, we’re bound for more disappointment and failure. We continue to feel unreliable, and every time we fail ourselves again it gets worse.

It’s so easy to slip into really dark places from here, I know that it was pretty dark for me.

Photo by Austin Guevara on Pexels.

What changed?

I’m not quite sure if it was a book I read, or something that I listened to. But from somewhere the information came through, that the way we speak to ourselves changes how we see the world and how we are in the world.

And honestly, I simply thought it was worth a try.

At that point, I felt like I didn’t have much to lose.

But I also didn’t think I could just change my mind about things to make them work.

Or that ‘positive thinking’ would help with anything, either. To be honest, I thought that sounded pretty silly.

After all, how would looking at this differently change the obviously miserable state I was in, that was all my fault because I was just born wrong, and to add on to that, I thought that we were all born into a miserable world, where everyone seemed to be out to harm others, and where you can only win not by being kind and open, and loving but by tricking others or pretending to be something that you are not.

– Yet, I soon began to see how wrong I was.

But if this is where you are, or your world-view is in other ways pessimistic or hopeless, I’m not going to try and convince you of anything else.

I will, however, offer the suggestion to try to talk differently to yourself for a while for a change and to see what happens for you.

As an experiment. What have you got to lose?

If it doesn’t work, you can always go back to being mean to yourself. Just give it a week or two to see how it feels and what happens then.

Instead of saying: “I hate myself!” Say this:

Every time, my mind would start to go to: “I…” I didn’t let myself finish and instead said: “I’m not very happy with what I did yesterday, or today, but I can do better and try harder.”

Or: “I’m not very happy with how I handled this, but I will see if I can handle things differently next time.”

Instead of just saying I hate myself, or I’m useless, or worthless, I began to look at the deeds or actions or words and myself as two separate things.

And I’d like to invite you to do the same.

You can begin to become a detective in your own life, and see when and where you link your actions to your identity –

because that’s what makes us feel so helpless, vulnerable and sad – to feel like we just are certain ways and that that won’t change.

Once we remind ourselves that we are worthy regardless of what we do, and that we can change our actions and thoughts and through that our whole lives – we begin to feel more and more empowered and the more empowered we feel, the more we begin to see the world change around us.

If you start linking your dislike or disapproval to your actions instead of yourself, you’ll find out that the pressure you put on yourself will lessen. And then it becomes easier to simply start to play out in your head how to react better next time.

Really take things one step at a time here and be patient, and as loving and kind as you can be. If you’re used to thinking of yourself in negative ways, you can’t just think of yourself positively all of a sudden – that’s why we start by linking the negativity to the actions and not ourselves anymore.

With this new found freedom and relaxation for our soul (who doesn’t get all the blame anymore), we can then be open to more changes.

And by practising situations, even if only in our heads, we build new neural pathways and can slowly break out of the loop that we might have been stuck in all our lives.

If we notice that we didn’t say what we wanted to say in a situation we can practice that situation in our heads until we find one in which we are happy with how we respond.

Or if we think we forget things all the time, we can imagine ourselves looking back on a day where we haven’t fogotten a thing and how happy that makes us feel.

Or whatever that is that is bothering you.

Often we play these loops anyway, just when we look at ourselves we blame ourselves for how badly we did – so now, whenever that happens, instead of getting upset, we can change them to what we would have liked to have happened instead.

Studies show that thinking about practising to play the piano, or tennis, is as effective as actually doing it. And that works for everything.

So instead of beating yourself up about how you didn’t do certain things, you can start to practise thinking about how you would like to do them.

Until you actually do them this way.

But the first thing is to simply stop before you go to h* word, or before you say anything else that is mean or hurtful to yourself.

Just don’t do it.

Say you’ll do it better (not be better) next time. Whether you believe it (yet) or not.

Once you’ve started, you will see how it’s not (seemingly unchangeable) you who’s been boycotting yourself, but your inner voice – and that can be changed, with patience, and training and sometimes some tears and then laughter and then just relief.

You are quite capable of changing, as soon as you learn how to handle your inner voice and start saying different things to yourself.

And then little by little, space opens up for more lightness, you can regain your trust, and eventually, your mind, doesn’t even go there any more. 

So, what are you going to say to yourself, next time your mind takes you there?

(I know it can be difficult. Try it anyway!)

And then see how your life and the world changes.

Changing this one thing changed everything for me, and I’m sure that today will be the day you start changing your life for the better as well.

I believe in you! And I’ll say that until you don’t need me any more to remind you.

Because eventually, you will start believing in yourself and then you’ll be unstoppable.

And I’d love to hear about how it’s going, and if you have any questions about this.

Write me!

Once you’ve tried it for a bit and see that this really might be a way for you to change even more things in your life, or you’d also like to find out about your unique superpowers and gifts and the things you need in different situations to make your life easier and come into a better state of flow – then you can order your Wheel of Colours from me.

And if you feel so inclined, come and join us in the CREATRIX School because it is really so much more fun to do all this work with other people, who are on the same path, and who’d like to make the same or similar changes in their lives – that way we can all lift each other up, hold each other accountable, create the changes we are looking for and enjoy life together.