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Friendships – what’s mine? What’s yours?

Dear Creatrix,

How did you experience this chapter of the CREATRIX School?

We’ve worked through many things, and asked ourselves plenty of questions to find clarity on.

We met ourselves in new ways, and we’ve looked at and opened ourselves to new and old possibilities when it comes to creating conscious friendships, and now it’s time to integrate and digest, and explore and make room for what wants to grow from the seeds we planted.

Today, I would like for us to really get in touch with ourselves again. Which brings to mind the first few lines of the serenity prayer:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

This really is the best guidance in any situation.

And when it comes to friendships, this means remembering that we have to accept people for who they are, and change what we wish about ourselves, to create different realities – and sometimes it can mean that we have to realize that it’s not about changing the situation, but leaving it and experiencing ourselves in a different one.

As I’ve been working on this chapter, new and unsuspected people have come into my life, in the most magical ways.

And I’m incredibly grateful for that. It really feels like every day the universe is saying: we’ve heard your wishes now see them come true.

At the same time, a pattern arose in me, that brought some shadows to the light, that were not pleasant.

Yet, I’m always grateful when this happens as I know once I am able to resolve something, even if it scares me in the moment and seems to be rooted so deeply within me that resolving it will be very and emotional and painful, I know once I’ve moved beyond it, I become more free and that if it’s coming up now, I will have to resolve it to be able to have what I actually wish for.

For me, this was about asking for support, and accepting myself.

Because, as we’ve been talking about reaching out and opening up more, I decided to do the same and ask for help, with something I didn’t know how to resolve on my own. But, as I’m not so used to this, I turned to the wrong people.

Which was a very painful experience – yet it was also so incredibly freeing.

As I sat there in the conversation, realizing I’m talking to people who have no idea what I’m talking about or the capacities to help me resolve my problem, I began to thank god – for showing me who these people are, where they are at, and for making it completely obvious to me that they will not be able to help me.

And so I reached out to someone else, who I would have never reached out to under different circumstances. We met, we talked, I got insights I couldn’t have even imagined, and I was able to resolve a problem I’ve been carrying around for way too long in less than an hour.

I’m still somewhat in shock and trying to integrate it all now.

The reason why I am sharing this with you, is because it changed my whole perception of myself.

For such a long time, I blamed myself, whenever I was in a conflict with someone.

I thought that there was something wrong with me, because the people around me didn’t understand me or weren’t able to help, or to support me the way I felt I needed (which is not a strange way, but just to be seen for who I am and helping me figure things out instead of telling me their way of doing things or what they would do).

I thought that maybe I wasn’t being clear enough, or that I should take their perspective into consideration more, and all kinds of things, when in actuality I have just been talking to the wrong people.

And the universe has been trying to show this to me the whole time, yet I wasn’t able to see it.

Despite feeling misunderstood and rejected again and again, I thought at some point things might change, if I would just explain myself more.

And they still may, but I have to admit that instead of looking for what I needed, and where to find it, I was looking for help, acceptance and recognition in the wrong places.

Maybe because being rejected was such a familiar feeling, maybe because I just didn’t know any better.

Sometimes we also might not want to see the truth. Yet, now I do.

And it’s funny, because it helped me realize that in a way, I always felt bad about doing the right thing, because we are born into a world where some things that are right are seen as wrong and the other way around.

I always had the instinctual drive to leave situations in which I didn’t feel supported or encouraged to grow.

But people then blamed their loneliness on me, and I took their blame. They told me I couldn’t just go somewhere else, that friendships were meant to last, for better or worse, even if they didn’t make me feel at ease, or like I was understood or filled me with joy.

I was told I expected too much and that I have to accept people for who they are – and I have no trouble accepting people for who they are, I’m quite happy to do that actually, but when I see them for who they are and don’t enjoy being with them, then why should I stay?

I am well aware that this is my personal journey and learning because I kept being nice and friendly and respectful to people, even when they didn’t do the same for me. Which means I neglected myself.

Yet, I will continue to do be nice and respectful, because that’s how I choose to be – but without feeling bad for making the choices that are good for me from now on as well.

And as the universe is ever so kind, and really seems to be valuing my efforts, I had a few meetings in these past weeks that really showed me a different reality and how something else is  possible – just not with the people who are around me now.

I always remember a part of “The Game of Life and How to Play it“, where Florence Scovel Shinn, talked about her aunt (or someone she knew) who kept inviting her to have a ‘good old-fashioned chat’, which meant to gossip about other people and to complain about life – and she just said that she had enough of those, and would rather speak about her dreams and possibilities, joys and all that is beautiful, or something like that – and I so full-heartedly agree.

I really don’t want to be involved in ‘old conversations’ any more. I don’t want to be part of conversations that blame others, for what we have – but talk about what we can do, each of us, to create change.

I don’t want to talk about the cruelty and what limits us, but about the power we have to change things.

I love to talk about how we can be the light. How we can be more loving, more kind and more peaceful. How we can support each other better, and I want to hear about your wins. Or the cake you baked, or the music you listened to that made you happy. And see your drawing or the plant that’s growing in your garden.

And as a result of this clarity, I found sweet connections, well-meaning connections, in which both sides see the absolute best in the other, while we meet with open curiosity and the readiness to support.

It’s been incredibly beautiful, and instead of feeling exhausted and deflated after the conversations, I felt happy, seen, and full of energy after.

It’s new and fills me with hope.

We all, each of us, has different lessons to learn in this lifetime, things to focus on, things to resolve – but most importantly, we are here to enjoy ourselves and our lives, to love, share and connect – in community.

And each of us has to figure out what that may look and feel like – for them.

This is me. How about you?