Photo collage by me from my archive.
Today I have had people around me for two weeks in a row, after a year of mostly being by myself.
In this year, I had friends coming to visit for a weekend occasionally, and I met people sporadically, but I was also going for weeks without being around other people at all.
In the beginning, especially in fall/early winter, it was difficult to be by myself. I thought I wanted to have a family, and a lively house.
It’s all I ever wanted, I thought. But it turned out it was only all I ever knew to want.
So, I sat through feeling uncomfortable. I let myself be uncomfortable and soon enough the light came in and I realized that I had been given the gift of quiet.
The gift of really getting to know myself, of arriving in the space I was and am in and to intimately get to know it.
To familiarize myself with the sounds, the colours. Without distractions. Experiencing the different smells of different plants and the wake-up calls, alarm calls, happy songs of the birds.
To build myself a home, refuge, a place where nothing can distract me from meeting myself on the deepest levels I’ve experienced so far.
Until I’ve got so accustomed to being myself that I can start to be myself with other people too.
Before, never in my life would I have allowed myself to take time for myself, when I had guests.
As soon as other people were around me, I would do everything in my power to guess what they might want or need, and to see if I can provide that.
It was like I had no way to even stay in my body. Everything about me had to go, to make space for others. And then I wondered why I felt there was no real connection.
I was so guarded, that I couldn’t allow for one. So being myself became a practice. First by myself and now with others.
It’s still not always easy. I’m still learning. But I know what I value now. Time in the mornings to write, to meditate, to work out. A quiet start filled with intention.
Getting part of my work done, before everyone wakes up. Saying good night early, so I can have time before sleep to come back to myself.
Taking myself out and away, when it gets too much. I still have a long way to go to actually feel like I can be myself with other, naturally.
Without me having to remind myself to try. But it’s great too to know that there will always be more to explore and new ways to be, if I like.
Still, more often than not it is hard for me to hear what my heart has to say, when there are other peoples’ energies all over the space.
Still, I feel a lot of fear of rejection, if I speak my truth. I know I will have to find other people to be around as well, people with similar ideas and experiences.
Another thing to think about and look forward to.
So far, I can say, living with other people for two weeks has been a challenge, but a good one, and I’m glad that it gave me the chance to find out, in which areas I could still become a little stronger.
I’m so curious to hear what you think about all of this and where it’s going to take us.
I want to take the rest of the year to become more firm in my beliefs and to practice with more people, while giving myself enough time to recover and reflect.
So that there can be more new experiences and more love. And to make my biggest dreams come true, new dreams. Brave dreams. But more on that tomorrow.
Dear future self, what are your dreams now?
Dear reader, what do you dream about? Where do you want to grow?
Lots of love,